Some thoughts on Planet Hollywood

Do you remember when Planet Hollywood was the shit? Circa 1990-ish when you were 8 or 10 or14 or 15 and you were to young and naive to know better? Back in the day everyone was temporarily obsessed with Planet Hollywood and it was the goal to eat there. This was partly because they were not everywhere you had to eat there while on vacation in somewhere exotic like Orlando or if you had a local one you had to go all the way into “the city.”

For planet Hollywood’ brief reign it seemed like everyone was transfixed. It was a restaurant with a gift shop where for way too much money you could buy a fake letterman style jacket with leather sleeves, it had memorabilia on the walls, the place mats had pictures of celebrities in high school, and everyone said the captain crunch chicken was awesome. Of course you ordered said chicken and soon discovered that it was ok-ish it just tasted like tough chicken with cereal on it but hey whatever didn’t matter because you were at Planet Hollywood the most awesome coolest most exclusive totally worth the 2 hour wait restaurant ever!

Everyone remembers the main appeal was that it was owned by celebrities and supposedly they ate there all the time. Suddenly in the next booth would be sitting Arnold, and Bruce, and Sly!, and they would totally be eating the exact same Captain Crunch Chicken as you because it was like totally awesome, and they would totally give you autographs and take their picture with you because you were eating at their restaurant. This happened all the time supposedly, but of course it didn’t really. The only time they showed up was when they were opening a new restaurant and you had to wait hours.

Planet Hollywood flamed out fast as everyone knows. There are probably plenty of people who got their Harvard MBA by writing a thesis all about how Planet Hollywood collapsed because all of a sudden they expanded way too fast and were opening restaurants everywhere and there just wasn’t enough interest in Planet Hollywood Yuba City. The thing is this isn’t really what killed them.

What happened was one day circa 1992 or 93 everyone in the world pretty much simultaneously collectively decided that Planet Hollywood was lame and they were so embarrassed that they used to want to eat there. After all the chicken was tough and Captain Crunch doesn’t really taste that good on it. Also the placemats never changed. Everyone knows what Julia Roberts looked like in high school in Smyrna Georgia and we no longer care, because that Pretty Woman movie was like years ago, and sure the memorabilia was interesting but not worth waiting in line to see when you had seen it already and the last time the line you went the line was like 2 hours long. Also you were no longer 13 or 14 you were 16 now and into cooler things and cooler movies. Who wanted to see some lame action flick with a bunch of 80s stars like Arnold, and Bruce, and Sly, when you could see an artsy action flick with John Travolta and Uma Thurman.

Suddenly overnight the Goodwill store seemed to be filled with those Planet Hollywood jackets that people had originally paid 300 dollars for along with Planet Hollywood shot glasses, pins and t-shirts. Later pop culture would start taking potshots at Planet Hollywood. There is the episode of the Simpsons where the Retirement home gang wears Planet Hollywood jackets and in the deleted scenes of the movie About a Boy one of the characters wants to eat at Planet Hollywood in London because he is sure the actors eat there all the time.

It’s been years since I have even seen a Planet Hollywood. Are their any left? It’s not the whole concept of theme restaurants has vanished. Pier 39 has a Hard Rock café and it’s not very old. They also have a Bubba Gump Shrimp Co, and there is a Rainforest Café not too far away. Nor has the public’s thirst for waiting in line to eat mediocre food has vanished. There is always a line at the Cheesecake factory in Union Square even though there is now a cheesecake factory in pretty much every mall in America, Its an overpriced Denny’s but people just love to take a day off from their boring suburban existence go into the city wait in line for hours to eat something just ok and feel special. I am not mocking this by the way I was totally that suburban kid back in the day who couldn’t wait to experience Planet Hollywood the most awesome restaurant ever, and so were you probably, I say don’t mock your suburban experience embrace it!

Anyway it’s been at least 20 years since I last ate at Planet Hollywood and I am ready to try it again. Maybe the chicken really is good and anyway I forgot what Julia Roberts’ high school photo looks like. To those who think Planet Hollywood exemplifies all that is cheesy and bad about America I say that’s weak, bring Planet Hollywood back, even the suburban ones. I would much rather eat at a Planet Hollywood that a Hooters. Why can’t that chain just die already!